The Lent without a Selfie

One of my favorite quotes in the world is in a song by Taylor Swift (shocking I know) and it says "I'd like to be my old self again, but I am still trying to find it."

I am trying to remember who I was ten years ago. Who was I before everything I did and said was posted and evaluated? How did I value myself before likes, comments, retweets, shares and tags? Who am I now that all of this utterly and overwhelming meaningless content and activity has become my obsession?

On Sunday, my iPhone gave me my screen time report. Usually, like most notifications, I mute and dismiss it. This time, it caught my attention. 

Six hours and 34 minutes a day.

Now given that I work two jobs, work out daily and have to drive, how on earth am I on my phone for SIX HOURS AND 34 MINUTES A DAY? 

A typical day for me looks a little like this:

6:30am drive to gym

7:00am workout

7:30am drive to work

7:45am arrive at work

4:45pm leave work

4:50pm drive home

5:15pm arrive at home

5:50pm drive to volleyball practice
6:00pm arrive at volleyball practice

9:00pm drive home

10:30pm go to bed

Now where in that space is six hours and 34 minutes?  

Then it hit me; I am not present. 

Those minutes of sitting on your phone during lunch or across from a friend or next to a parent add up quickly. The aimless scrolling for hours that amount to nothing as you half-assedly (new word?) listen to your friends and family tell you about their days really add up. And they add up to existing.

Yes, merely existing. You stop engaging. You rock a resting bitch face. You talk fast, because you are anxious. You do not think. You simply spew words in the same manner that we consume content. 

So back to my point. Who am I? Where did this happy, carefree person go? Well, she became digital. The words that were said and the hugs that were given meant less to her than the comments typed and the friend requests received. 

She turned into this façade of filtered perfection as she cried at night. She quickly put her value in the thumbs of the likes she received on her latest posts. She stopped talking to people one on one, but was quick to comment "I love you" on any post. She stopped caring about going places for the experience, but for the pictures that she would post. She did her makeup for the exes and crushes that might see her posts, instead of the confidence that it gave her when she looked in the mirror. She vanished and turned into an iPhone. 

This Lent, it is over. I am deleting all social media. No more checking notifications. No more counting my likes and comments and followers. 

I am doing this first and foremost as an opportunity to live more fully and presently. I am going to spend more time writing blogs and letters, and fostering meaningful and loving relationships. 

Love is not quantitative. Love is not "x" amount of likes. Love is quality and love takes time.